I have quite a turbulent relationship with my local doctors. I’ve used the same doctor’s surgery for over 13 years and they still treat me like an idiot so I try to limit my visits to repeat prescription check-ups and emergencies. Unfortunately I have no choice in the matter when it comes to my travel jabs. So off I went to speak to the nurse, eugh…
It went off to good start (shocking!) and we discussed the jabs I need to have before I go:
3 for Hep A/B
Booster jabs for Tetanus and MMR
2 for Japanese encephalitis (travel clinic)
Rabies (optional)
I decided to skip the last one. It’s £110 and it doesn’t actually prevent me from getting rabies but softens the blow if I was to get it. It’s for protection in Thailand so I just need to stay out of the way of any “pets” that are foaming at the mouth! I also need to take malaria tablets for Thailand. Other than that I am good to go…
So far so good. Nurse told me I can get my first jab there and then (Hep A/B) and kept saying “as you’ve never had hepatitis…”. Well…errr…I have had hepatitis of the liver. This is another thing which annoys me about my doctor’s surgery, they never bloody read my medical history. I’ve gone to the docs a few times since my lurgy in 2008 and each time I had to go through everything that happened. I think I should write a bullet list, laminate it, and hand it over as it’d save me a lot of hassle. She nearly fell off her chair when I told her I had my gallbladder removed. And so began the downhill decent from knowledgeable helpful nurse, to patronising judgemental witch face nurse.
Here’s how the rest went:
Me: So I normally take the pill but while I’m away I don’t think it would be very convenient for me. Especially if I pick up a sickness bug and there’s more of a chance that I’ll forget to take it. I was wondering what the alternatives are as I’d actually prefer if I didn’t have a period while I’m away.
Nurse (with a look of disgust): Well you can’t do that. It’s not healthy to stop your period for that long.
Me: So there’s nothing at all that can help me?
Nurse: Well there is the coil but I don’t think that would be right for you. Have you had children?
Me: No
Nurse: Ok, because of that, it will hurt. It won’t protect you from STDs whilst you’re out there either.
What I wanted to say at this point – I know that you stupid patronising old cow. Neither does the pill, which I’ve been on since I was 14 years old. I’m fully aware of what a condom is.
However, nurse was the one with the needle, so I felt I best leave the power with her. Plus I’m going to be coming back quite a few times to get further jabs so best just nod and smile.
Me: Yes, I know - nodding and smiling
Nurse: Have you been screened recently?
Me: No.
Nurse: Ok. I think you should be tested for Chlamydia.
WTF!!
Me: Oh, ok. (I could be Catholic for all she knew. No questions about my sexual history. She couldn’t be bothered looking at my medical history so probably has no clue who I am…and where I’ve been so it seems!)
Nurse: Instructions are inside. You even get a free pen!
Me: Thanks. (Jeeeez)
Nurse: Ok so I think the coil will be the best solution for you.
Wheeeey! I did say that…
Me: Ok.
Nurse goes on to explain what the coil entails and that I will need to book an appointment at the family planning clinic for coil counselling. I held in my laughter at that statement. Not that I believe everything that's reported in the media, but I'm sure I read that in some places 12 year olds could access the pill from their school nurse. Me, I need counselling!
Nurse: reaches in her draw for a needle to jab me with - But of course you must remember to take condoms with you. Practising safe sex is important when you’re travelling.
Sidenote: A statement which is fine in itself but given the patronising tone and sideways tilt of her head, I just wanted to reach over and stick that needle…Ok, ok. I’m calm. I must also add that nurse said condoms with a broken soft tone that Miranda (see 10:30mins) uses for words which make her uncomfortable. For older audiences Lily Savage used to use the same intonation when saying lesbian. So my nurse can’t even say condoms properly. Great!
Although irritating, it’s something I’ve grown used to. I don’t seem to have a face of believability. It happens every time I come into contact with nurses/doctors. They’ve obviously not heard that I’m a shite liar. I don’t think such points are added to medical notes…not that it would matter, they remain unread anyway!
So nurse seems to think I’m going to shag my way around the world and give everyone Chlamydia all because I don't want to take a break from the pill. I don’t have a problem being screened - it’s just the way she dropped it in like a final twist of the knife. My counselling appointment is this week so hopefully I’ll be speaking to someone who can pronounce condoms and not treat me like a naïve uneducated skank! Ahh, the joys of the NHS…
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