Too Cool For Finishing School

I feel like I’m in limbo at the moment. I have most of the major things sorted and paid for but I have no idea what that means. I’ve paid for my flights but I have no idea what I need to do when I get there. I’ve booked a tour and a place on a volunteers project but I have no information on a meeting point and what I need to take. Both are oversights on my part as I just paid for it all whilst I had the money and presumed the information would follow. Ha! One should never presume of course.

I feel like I’m learning a lot of lessons in life at the moment. I’m trying to get to grips with the concept of etiquette attached to each country I’m visiting. It’s mind boggling. Asia is the trickiest. It’s pretty exhausting all the things I need to consider. There’s a whole chapter on what not to do with chopsticks. Sheesh! I thought it was a simple 1, 2, 3.

1. Pick up chopsticks and hold in a pincer like fashion.
2. Pick up food with said chopsticks.
3. Stick in gob and enjoy. 

Obviously I wouldn’t have scored top marks in finishing school with that one. There are many many things to consider. I can’t spear food which is an arse. That was my ‘get out of jail free card’ if I continually failed at point 2. I can’t stick them upwards in a mountain of rice or point them at people whilst talking. I wasn’t planning on doing either but who knows what my brain would have me say or do when overcome with nerves/stress/drunkenness. There’s a rule for where to grasp the chopsticks, where to place them when finished and don’t get me started on the rules for eating as a guest in someone’s home. I can’t seem to find anything about sticking them in your mouth and assuming a walrus pose though. Hmmm.

My brain is overrun with random facts from around the world. Did you know that there is no law against indecent exposure in San Francisco? I guess laundry day isn’t an issue over there. Obviously with something that relates to law, it’s black and white but I’m not sure how serious to take the other notes and comments I have read. Apparently blowing your nose in public in Japan is frowned upon. I’m not sure how strict a rule that is. So if I can’t blow my nose can I plug my nose with tissue instead? Hey, if Myleene Klass can do it…

Thailand is another grey area. So far I‘ve read that you can‘t touch someone‘s head, you can‘t point your feet at someone when sitting down, you can’t touch a monk…damn, now I have MC Hammer stuck in my head - Can‘t Touch This (over 14 millions hits on YouTube so it‘s not just me!).

The eerie thing is, Thais are also renowned for smiling. They smile when they’re happy, sad, angry, embarrassed and with any other emotion you can think of. I guess this will alleviate any stressful moments I might have but it might be confusing trying to distinguish between those that genuinely like me and those that would rather I bugger off!

This is all rather strange but weirdly fascinating at the same time. I guess if I do find myself in an awkward situation that I can’t laugh off, I could always point to something and shout as a distraction and leg it. Although with my current fitness levels I doubt I’d get very far!

About A Boy

I previously made a list of some of the things I think I’ll miss the most whilst I’m away. I’ve now come to find that I have a far heftier list of things I won’t miss. Admittedly it’s mostly work related. Every time something frustrates me I brush it off. I look at my calendar and see how many days are left until I go and I smile. I find that I’m laughing at a lot of things lately that would normally upset me or wind me up. Maybe it’s because I know that in a couple of months I’ll be starting my adventure and they, the moaners, will still be stuck in the UK droning on about insignificant issues that are out of my hands. There’s actually a term for this which is borrowed by the Germans, Schadenfreude, which simply means the pleasure derived from the misfortune of others. Funnily enough there is no English translation. I don’t think I’m that cruel but there is a slight twinkle in my eye.

The other aspect of my life which heavily rests in the “I won’t miss” pile is the York dating scene, gasp! It is one of those taboo subjects that many singles would rather skip over. It’s like that dreaded question Bridget Jones tried to avoid at her mother’s dinner party - “How’s your love life?” - to which Bridget simply replied “Super” AKA “Fuck off, it’s none of your business”. Ok, ok I’m not as hostile as that but maybe that’s because I’m not surrounded by “smug-married-couples”. I thankfully don’t feel pressured to settle down, have babies or simply be in a relationship. I’m happy where I am thanks. I love the freedom, I love the simplicity of things and I love the brain space that’s been freed up by not thinking about a boy. This is me taking full advantage of those three things. I’m in no rush. If it happens, it happens.

It’s a good job too as the guys that I have encountered over the past year…well let’s just say that nobody’s managed to change the above mindset. It will be interesting to see how guys of different nationalities act and I’m sure you’ll find out in a future blog post!

For future comparison, here are a few lines that have been tried on me:

Drunk: “Tits.”
Short but definitely not sweet. Not quite sure how I was supposed to react to this grinning idiot. Maybe in his mind he thought I’d look down, realise that his observation was correct, I do indeed have tits, and fall into his arms.

Drunk No2: *head-butts the back of my head* inaudible slur and accusatory gestures.
Me: What? You hit me. I was stood still and you nutted the back of my head.
Drunk No2: Grins and goes to hug me.
Me: I turn around and try to order a drink.
Drunk No2: Starts dry humping my leg.
Wow, not only do they not form full sentences but now they use violence to entice women. Strange…very strange. Hilarious in hindsight.

Agreed alcohol can cloud the mind and then some in the above cases, but the sober ones don’t fair any better. I’ve had someone who’s in a relationship ask me out. I’ve had someone ask me out as I was waiting his table…in front of his mates. I’ve had someone offer me a preview of his nudist self-portrait collection…and so on and so forth. They’re just the funny ones.

I doubt my love life will be a topic of conversation whilst I’m away so I think that question will be easily avoided. However, small talk is not my strong point as it infuriates me. It’s so inane and fake. I feel myself thinking - Do you really want to talk to me or are you just passing the time/avoiding work/bored? You can easily tell whether someone genuinely wants to strike up a conversation with you. I call it the “So...the weather” moments where people struggle to find something to fill that awkward silence, so go for the safety net of all conversations, the weather. I can feel myself snarling at some as I find that small talk brings out the idiot in most.

For instance, a standard question is “Did you grow up in York? Where were you born?”. I explain that I was born in a British Military Hospital in Germany as my dad was in the army. I was brought to York when I was 18 months and have spent the rest of my life in York (bar the 3 years at university - another small talk minefield!). I would say 99% of people ask the same follow-up question - “So, do you speak German?” Whaaaa!? At 18 months were you fluent in English? Jeez. I have to be careful though as sarcasm isn’t understood in some cultures, or is that irony?
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I saw Stephen K Amos last night and he signed my gig ticket.

SKA: Who should I make it out to?
Me: Danielle.
SKA: Have I spelled that correctly?
Me: Yes, thanks. Don’t worry, for some reason a lot of people write my name as Daniel.
SKA: Looks up at me with a look of confusion. That’s because they’re stupid.

That has made my week. Stephen K Amos is a legend!