Great Expectations

America was always an afterthought for me. I never paid much attention to what I would do when I got there. I’d already come to the conclusion that whatever money I had left would determine what I’d see and where I would go. Thankfully, I paid for a seven day tour before I even stepped on my first plane.

Booking a tour was a risk. My main worry was that I’d get stuck with people I don’t get on with. I decided to give touring a chance as I’d get to see a lot in a short space of time. As I wasn’t sure what money I’d have left when I hit America, it was a security blanket as I knew I’d see some big tourist spots. I just hoped my gamble would pay off.

*****

The first of many shocks came instantaneously during the check-in process with the tour leader. Firstly, I was the only person aged over 21. No I’m not pulling the age card in a pathetic I-feel-so-old tantrum. I’m despairing because it means I’m the only one who can drink and gamble. My dreams of debauchery in Las Vegas and slumming it in an off-road saloon crashed and burned by my feet.

My spirits dampened further when we hung around for one straggler. We were meant to leave at 8am but it was well after 9am when we started loading the van.

A quick head count, 6 of us all together plus the driver. Oh dear. There was a silver lining though, it meant there was more room to stretch out in the van. Temperatures were already high and due to elevate as we made our way further into the desert. Space is definitely what I needed right at that moment.

Our long drive was broken up by a couple of pit stops. First we needed snacks. My search for a Twinkie wasn’t as traumatic as Woody Harrelson’s (Tallahassee) in Zombieland but I was just as happy when I embraced the “spongy, yellow delicious bastards!”.

Former roommate Gen took my photo and understood the joke but the rest of the girls looked at me like I was crazy. They kept on asking one vexing question, “why?”. People who don’t get my sense of humour, hooray.

We passed a rundown saloon which we couldn’t go in because everyone was underage. Instead we took an awkward first group photo.

We were all very aware of our personal space

Once that was out of the way it was only a couple of hours before we entered Joshua Tree National Park. There was nobody to be seen and the heat brought everyone down to crawling speed and welcome silence.

Every now and then our tour guide Ken would interject the peace with observations and stories.

One that stuck out for me was the connection late American singer Gram Parsons had with the park. The story goes that Joshua Tree Monument as it was then called became a regular haunt for Parsons and his friends. He loved that place so much that he made a pact with his road manager and close friend Phil Kaufman – whoever died first, the survivor would take their remains to Joshua Tree, have a few drinks and burn the body.

Sadly Parsons died of a drug overdose in September 1973. A spanner in the works came for Kaufman as Parsons’ stepfather had alternate plans. In order to gain Gram’s estate, his stepfather would need his body to be buried in Louisiana.

A strong dose of liquid courage later, Kaufman knew that he could not go back on his friend’s promise. He gained the help of one of his friends and kidnapped Parsons’ body at LAX. They got as far as Joshua Tree and noticed the police were chasing them. Kaufman doused the body in fuel, set fire to the body in its coffin and watched as a giant fireball engulfed the area. Satisfied that their job was done, the two fled the scene.

Kaufman and his friend turned themselves into the police a few weeks later. Funnily enough, the pair could not be sentenced with anything heavy as it was not against the law to steal a dead body. Instead, they were fined for taking the coffin and the damages that were incurred.

Since hearing the story I read up more about it and found out that Kaufman threw a party to raise funds to pay the fine. Also, Gram’s stepfather did succeed in burying his stepson in Louisiana but his underlying plan was thwarted by a Florida court (click here to read more).

Our tour guide Ken informed us that we might not know Parsons by name but would recognise one of his songs. I later found out that the song Ken mentioned – For What It’s Worth – is actually performed by Buffalo Springfield who have nothing to do with Gram Parsons! Whoops!

Ken had previously joked about him and his fellow tour guides making up random but believable facts and relishing in the thought that people would go around spouting utter crap thinking it was true. Maybe this was it…maybe not…

We opted to walk the shortest trail, not because we were bored or that Joshua Tree is awful, but because it was so darn hot. Yes I’m a wimp. Joshua Tree’s landscape was mightily impressive. Spiky angry trees littered a vast dusty canvas. Rock formations cordoned off certain areas and reached great heights yet looked so delicate like a smooth-edged Jenga. I can see why Parsons was so taken with this place.

Upon closer inspection, we found some petroglyphs (rock carvings). One of the girls enquired further about the particular carvings we were looking at as they were painted. Were they supposed to be that way? They looked very artificial. Ken drew a blank.

Brightly painted drawings that differed to other carvings at Joshua Tree

With impeccable timing a pair of middle-aged American guys must have overheard us and chipped in. It’s all Walt Disney’s fault. They were painted in for a Disney film but the paint never washed off. It sounded plausible. Checking online, it seems to have some truth to it.

That’s enough culture and mystery for the day. We made a quick stop at McDonalds to cool down. The McFlurrys are giant!

As it was our first night of camping, we underestimated how long it would take for us to set up camp and sort out food. It was a mad rush to beat the sunset. After pitching up the tent – which I was actually pretty good at (I know, I’m shocked too!) – we ended up cowboying. By this I mean we slept outside, under the stars.

Thankfully we didn’t go all Blazing Saddles and eat baked beans for dinner, we had pasta instead. Ken had banged on all day about this fantastic bread he bought from the bakery. The other girls were excited, as was I as being a backpacker, eating good bread is a rarity.

It seems good bread in America isn’t the same as good bread in Europe. It was a large white soft sub. We were expecting fresh crunchy bread. It wasn’t something that aggravated us, we just laughed. At least it was something we all agreed on. The rest of the evening was extremely awkward. Ken went round the table and asked us questions. It started simple – age, where we’re from, what is our travel history etc. Then he moved on to asking anecdotal questions about our craziest travel stories and what our hobbies are. It was definitely a tumbleweed moment.

One responded by saying that because they were only 19, they hadn’t lived long enough to have any crazy stories or travelled much. Wow, at that point I decided to save my stories. I glanced across the river and saw a large campsite playing loud music. Somebody was having fun tonight.

We all settled down and tried to get some sleep. I missed a shooting star because I didn’t have my lenses in. Just my luck. The next day was going to be long as we made our way to the Grand Canyon.