Give Us A Clue

A backpacker's guide on how NOT to travel from Kuala Lumpur to Singapore:

1. Book a night train from Kuala Lumpur to Singapore despite the fact that four previous night bus experiences had been unpleasant.

2. Turn up for train only to realise that you are the only western backpacker and the rest of the train's passengers are made up of families with small children and babies.

3. Sit next to a fat person who's arse-fat uncomfortably encroaches onto your lap whilst attempting to zone out the kazoo choir emanating from a snoring elderly couple.

4. Attempt to watch Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets on mute...twice.

5. Stretch out legs and wiggle arse at necessary intervals to avoid numbing pains.

6. Experience stiffness of legs and numbing pain in arse.

7. Drift in and out of "sleep" and experience some crazy Hogwarts themed dream within a dream.

8. Get nudged back to life by immigration and later arrive in Singapore.

9. Pass through customs with ease and get greeted jovially despite the early time - 6:35am.

10. Confirm location with said jovial assistant - Woodlands CIQ.

11. Search for ATM, there is none.

12. Search for Information Desk, there is none.

13. Curse the heavens.

14. Ask locals where the nearest ATM is. Wander off in search for ATM only to find there is none.

15. Collapse to the ground and rest.

16. Realise that the corner of a car park isn't the greatest of resting places and notice that stares are being attracted.

17. Heave beast upon shoulders and head back to the train station in search of a ticket desk attendant.

18. Join ticket desk queue and subsequently ask for bus and ATM information.

19. Praise the heavens for having Malaysian Ringgits leftover and not spending it in Starbucks as previously intended. Exchange the remaining Ringgits for Singapore Dollars.

20. Sit at the bus stop for over an hour and wait for a bus that doesn't exist.

21. Strike up a conversation with a friendly local who is nice enough to give you correct directions and explain how the local transport system works.

22. Try to summon up a laugh when the friendly local explains that all buses travel to the interchange so the hour spent waiting at the bus stop was needless.

23. Restrain from bear-hugging the friendly local when he offers the correct change for the bus fare upon realising that the buses do not accept dollar notes.

24. Arrive at the interchange and request further information and a map from the ticket desk.

25. Walk around in circles until eventually you realise that the ATM is outside the station. Withdraw a sizable amount as you don't know when you will next find another ATM.

26. At this point the beast has become unbearable to carry so the day-pack is released to lighten the load.

27. Walk up to the ticket machine to find that it only accepts small dollar denominations.

28. Queue at the ticket counter again. Get change.

29. Board the correct train only to find the train passes straight through the stop you need.

30. Get off at the next station to navigate appropriately.

31. Board next train and then transfer to another line to reach the intended train station.

32. Walk out the wrong exit of the train station.

33. Go back into the station and check the map. Go out the correct exit and follow the street signs noted down before arrival.

34. Arrive at the wrong branch of hostel.

35. Turn around and walk 10 minutes and arrive at the next hostel.

36. Make a sweaty gasping entrance to the correct hostel and relax. Four hours from arriving in a city to the hostel is a record that's going to be tough to beat.

• I felt like Steve Martin in Planes, Trains and Automobiles. Pure exasperation and utter exhaustion. Although I wanted to stay awake, my body caved. I slept until the early evening and investigated the local area for something to eat. I didn't realise there was a cheap food court nearby and opted for an overpriced curry instead. The portions were rubbish and it wasn't up to the same standard as my local back home. I do miss the Viceroy in York.
  
  I didn't have the same venomous response as Steve Martin (a beauty of a clip: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nWRxPDhd3d0 STA, be warned!) but felt that, yet again, a day had been wasted. I didn't have a plan for how I would spend my remaining days and instead, drew inspiration from my dorm room mates and generally let events unfold naturally. It's the best way to travel in my eyes.