Sydney So Far...Food

My welcome to Sydney was soured slightly by a wave of illness. I firstly had what can only be described as some mutant cold. I’d never experienced anything like it. Not one to be centre of attention, I felt I had to share my disease with those nearest to me. That just happened to be my roommate. Mel was ever so appreciative. It was nice to have someone know how shit I felt. My throat throbbed, my muscles whined with every movement and my head felt like a bowling ball. My energy…well I didn’t have any. I felt like Mr Burns from The Simpsons but I didn’t have Smithers to help me out. I had to pick my own sorry ass up and go to the doctors.

Steff and I previously visited the Medicare centre at the mall to register for free medical treatment. We actually went to the wrong place at first, to the scorn of the receptionist. “This is a PRIVATE clinic,” said the blonde waif behind the office desk. The look of disgust on her face actually made me laugh when she said it. I find that a lot of Aussies have a short fuse. This is something I love to play with whilst at work. It kind of gets me through a slow moving day.

Eventually we found the right place. After some form filling we had our voucher slips. We couldn’t get a card sent out as we were staying in a hostel. Ridiculous seen as people get their Tax File Numbers and bank statements sent there. My annoyance was clouded by my continued sniggering after Steff’s – “Am I an aboriginal?” – slip up.

*****

After catching the last 15 minutes of Finding Nemo, I was called into the doctor’s office. I explained my symptoms and he shrugged it off and said it should clear up in a few days. This wasn’t good news. I’d felt terrible for a week already and, at that point, I’d just started my new job. Customers don’t appreciate being coughed over when I serve them their food. Mel was prescribed antibiotics.

The doctor handed me a prescription and said that if it doesn’t clear up in a few days, to come back in. He said that I don’t really need to take anything but gave me a prescription anyway. Hmm. Thanks doc!

I didn’t feel better and started to get a mouth ulcer so I made another appointment. I told him how I seem to keep picking up bugs in each country I visit. Every two to three weeks I would come down with something. I asked if there was anything I can do to boost my immune system. Zinc tablets were recommended. The doctor said that normally, with the symptoms and consistency of the problems that I have experienced, he would consider Glandular Fever as a possible cause. Shit. He quickly followed this up by the fact that it probably isn’t that seen as I’ve already had it. Phew! Don’t throw that one at me! Been there, done that and burnt the t-shirt.

The doctor told me that my mouth ulcer is actually a gum infection. The prescription he gave me at my last appointment should clear it up. He said it might need to come out. What? The only dental treatment I’ve ever had was braces as a teenager and now I get hit with this.

This prognosis was confirmed by a dentist. I had some thinking to do. In the meantime I just wanted the pain to stop. It had gotten to the point where I couldn’t speak properly. It hurt to smile, it hurt to laugh, it hurt to eat and felt like the whole side of my face was corroding. It was the weirdest sensation. All this was caused by a tooth. Mad.

After hearing how money grabbing the dentists are here in Australia - one poor guy endured root canal treatment here only to be told back in England that it was pointless - I decided to leave it. If I do have any further problems, I know what to take to clear the infection. I don’t want unnecessary treatment and will leave it to my British dentist to decide. Although they are just as much “in it for the money” as the Aussies. I think that’s a general rule played by all dentists!

I got my prescription, zinc tablets and some bargain perfume. My mood was lifted as I found a store that actually undercut the prices of items back in the UK. It’s a miracle!!

I have since met many backpackers who experienced the same health issues when they arrived so it must be a rite of passage for all travellers. I guess it keeps things balanced – “Hey, you’re travelling the world and having fun. Too much fun now so here, stay in bed for a bit with this awful mutant cold.”

I think my deterioration in health might have something to do with my diet too. Australia is the first place where I have had to prepare and cook my own food. For the previous months, I’d been eating out every day. It was wonderful. I had awesome food and cake of course. Now I have to fend for myself. I stumbled a little bit. I think I actually forgot what it was like to eat like a normal person. My first supermarket shop was a rushed one and my basket contents resembled that of a university student on a strict budget.

My first week consisted of dishes such as tuna pasta and soup. Oh dear. I soon realised that I couldn’t live this way and doubled my food budget.

The one good thing about the hostel where I was staying at is that they had free breakfast.

It’s strange what you end up missing. I’d not had cereal for such a long time. I used to eat it every day back home. The cornflakes were a Godsend. However, all good things must come to an end and the free breakfasts stopped after a week. Some greedy bastards decided to steal loaves of bread and cartons of milk that were meant for other guests. It obviously caused a sharp increase in the cost of providing breakfast. I hate backpackers with a passion. Cheeky greedy bastards who are out for whatever they can get for free. Of course some backpackers have morals but I seem to run into all the ones that don’t here!

This was a notice pinned up on the shelves where I have had many items stolen. I love this! I hope the thief did read this and choke.

My first proper supermarket experience was freaky. Freaky deaky! I understand that there are differences in every country but I always felt like Australia was like a cross between England and America in many ways. But it seems that Australians have taken the same route as America in making ridiculous changes to things that are fine just as they are. It might be easier if I list some of them. This is what I have noticed so far:

1.    Vegemite looks like marmite, has the same ingredients as marmite but tastes like garbage juice. It is disgusting. I love marmite. Let down.

2.    Kelloggs Rice Crispies are called Kelloggs Rice Bubbles here.

3.    The Coco Pops monkey is different. He’s changed from a round, cute cheeky monkey to a spiky Sonic-like evilness.

4.    Cordial or squash doesn’t seem to be as much of a household staple as in England. I walked straight past this as I thought they were car wash or bleach bottles.

I rest my case

5.    The Aussies have changed the colours of their crisp packets. It took me long enough to get used to green being Salt & Vinegar and blue being Cheese & Onion rather than the other way around. The colours here just don’t make sense. Pink is Salt & Vinegar and green is Ready Salted or should I say “Original”.
6.  The mayonnaise here is weird. In England you get your standard Hellmanns along with other cheaper products with the same style. You also get flavoured ones – garlic, peri-peri etc etc. It took me a few purchases to actually discover the proper mayonnaise. The first couple of times I picked up this awful sweet mayonnaise. It was vile. It turned my tuna pasta into a dessert it was that sweet. Who eats sweet mayonnaise?

I do feel like I’m beginning to resemble the couple, Janice and Ray, from The Catherine Tate Show (UK comedy show). "The dirty bastards." The above comments are a mixture of random observations with some annoyances dotted around. It’s just a few of a long list of weird things I have noticed about Aussies. It sometimes feels like they’ve taken something English or American and attempted to put their own spin on it. But instead of coming across as authentic, it’s just a bit odd.

For instance, a bacon and egg sarnie is a classically British breakfast staple. A favourite among brickies and the hungover. One day an Aussie must have thought that although this is good food, we need to make it different. We need to add something that the Brits would never think of. Sauces don’t count as that’s more of a diner’s choice. Got it! Cheese. Let’s have a bacon, egg and cheese sandwich. It actually makes my stomach lurch with disgust just thinking about it.

How about another one? It’s a standard for restaurants to have condiments and sauces to accompany any meal. Salt and pepper are a must. Tomato sauce is another one. Barbeque or brown sauce is also appreciated. Then there’s mayonnaise. Thick crispy chips dipped in mayonnaise. Yes please. But one Aussie thought that mayonnaise is too ordinary and bland. Let’s juge it up a little. Firstly we’ll change the name to aioli. Not only does it look weird but a bet those bloody Brits wouldn’t even know how to pronounce it. Obviously we’ll have to add something to it to justify the name change. Garlic and onion will do. I have yet to find a restaurant that serves plain old mayonnaise. So far it’s aioli or basil mayonnaise (which is actually quite nice but that’s not the point!).


Yet the Aussies have the cheek to call our food as dreary as our weather. It seems to be the same things that I hear from them. It's definitely made me more patriotic and has forced me to be rather defensive about England. In regards to Aussie food, well so far I've not seen anything unique or inherently Australian. Yes they have kangaroo but that's just a meat, not a dish. England is teaming with traditional dishes for all foodies. Our food is definitely not dreary so they can stick that comment up their arse.

It’s a good job you guys have Tim Tams and an abundance of steak. I’d not been in Sydney more than a week when I enjoyed my first $10 steak night. I spent more money on dessert...

 $15 of sweet, gooey, chocolatey goodness

God bless happy hour - the Bellini

I’ve had the cake a few times now and it stands as my one chance to get value for money. Other than the free food I get at work that is. That is one sweet perk…ahhhhh. Sorry, I drifted off then. It makes me happy that I work at a place that serves good food, especially the breakfasts. I didn’t really have breakfast in Japan as there was never anything to have that suited me. I tried many of the fry-ups in Thailand but was thoroughly disappointed. Where I work, I could pretty much eat anything on the menu, although their version of French toast baffles me. It’s lathered in maple syrup for starters and is served with a fruit salad. Maybe what I’m thinking of is not French toast.

Anyway, life is good when free food is involved. Recently I made a mistake at work. Luckily the boss wasn’t around so I didn’t get scalded. On the contrary, I was told I had to eat my mistake. Ok, let me try that again so it makes sense. I ordered the wrong type of pancakes for a table. It sounds daft but I put through the breakfast pancakes – blueberry – but the lady wanted banana pancakes which is listed as a dessert and is served (generally) in the evenings. Thankfully the woman was fine about it and didn’t make a fuss. I on the other hand had to eat the blueberry pancakes. Outrageous I know! Ahhh, that was a good day…

I need to stop thinking about food. Well it doesn’t help that I’m writing a blog post about it but hey. I could write for hours about how backwards Australia is when it comes to food and drink. So a lolly here is any kind of sweet. If someone asks for a lolly they could be asking for a pack of gummy bears or some Werther’s Originals. In England a lolly is a lollypop and a lollypop alone.

Not convinced you yet? Takeaway shutting times. What if you finish work at midnight or you’re stumbling home after a night out and you fancy something greasy – a pizza, a kebab or a big fat juicy burger. You’ll be hard-pushed to find a takeaway open past 11pm. It’s a pain in the arse when I work a night shift as I don’t get a break, ergo I don’t get free food, which means I’m bleedin’ starvin’ when I finish work. There’s no chance of a portion of chicken and cashew nuts from the local Chinese my friend. Everyone nearby has shut up shop.

I keep reading about how hard-working Aussies are but I don’t see it. Shops shut early, takeaways shut early and the kids have only just gone back to school so even they get it easy. Sheesh, if there’s one country in the world where you can work less and get paid more, Australia’s your country. Sounds great in theory but when your stomach is howling for some grub and there’s nothing you can do, it aint that great!

Oh and just in case you’re shouting at your screens – “Get in the kitchen and cook something you lazy mare,” – the kitchen at the hostel shuts at 10pm. Arse.

The icing on this crazy-ass cake is that the delivery costs more than the food! Obviously you have to order something that totals more than $15/20 which is understandable. I wouldn’t be happy either driving half an hour to deliver a cake to some fatty (that fatty would be me of course!). Standard delivery in Sydney…$8. The cheapest pizza is $6.95. I got my trainers shipped over here from the UK for that!

Ok, ok, I feel like I’ve made my point. I find Australia’s way of doing things a little hard to handle. I mean COME ON! However, I do feel that I can turn anything negative into a positive. At least that is what I'm trying to do at the moment to keep myself from going insane.

My body has a tendency to reject certain foods for no rhyme or reason. I’ll have something to eat one day and be fine, then have the exact same thing another day and I’ll be left sprinting for the toilets. I’ve had more gut problems here than in Thailand. However (here comes the positive bit), my body handles cake just fine. Any cake at all in fact, which is good as I don’t know what I would do if I had to give up sugar. I’d have to invent some sort of cake substitute.

I guess I could just class it as an intolerance to gluten like everyone else. Most people in Sydney claim to be celiacs! It’s obviously a new health fad but it’s ridiculous. As ridiculous as the people that come in and ask for a skim milk cappuccino and then orders the pancakes that are drowned in maple syrup. Don’t worry, you’ve had 100ml of skim milk, you can treat yourself! 


It does make me laugh though so I can't get too irate. As you can tell, there is a never-ending list of Aussie idiosyncrasies that don’t make sense to me. That’s inevitable when travelling to a foreign country. Except this time it’s not quaint, nor does it seem necessary. It’s just weird and oddly funny at times.

Australia and I do not make a perfect match. We’re almost like an old bickering married couple that are so sick of each other; we end up having a good ol’ moan to get us through the day. It is rather fitting seen as the English and Aussies always have a pop at each other. At least I’m getting into the spirit of things!