Goodbyes

It may seem a little premature writing about goodbyes when I still have over four weeks to go, but I’ve just sold my car and it was harder than I thought it was going to be. The sale itself went superbly. The rain did not seem to deter the girl who bought it. My haggling prowess was on top form and I managed to strike a deal we were both happy with. The saddest part was that I didn’t really get so say goodbye. I didn’t want to be too presumptuous and think that I’d sell my car upon his first viewing or jinx things so I just went along with my days as usual. My last drive in Harvey was when I drove the prospective buyers round the block and back. Half an hour later he was gone…forever.

My funds have been given a mighty boost which is great, but it’s still tainted with the sadness of my loss. I wish I didn’t have to sell my baby. I love loved my car. I’m sure it will all be worth it It better be bloody worth it!

On the subject of goodbyes, generally speaking, it’s the easiest part for me. Having a second job and no time to socialise has given my bank of friends a much needed spring clean. It is a bittersweet moment - it sucks but I feel it is for the best.

I think I’ll end up missing really weird things that make up my everyday routine. I’m always connected, whether it be through my mobile or the internet (or both really as I have a smartphone). So I think it will be strange not having that safety blanket. If I get lost I won’t have my trusty google maps on my phone. Whenever I get that annoying moment where I can’t remember the actor in a movie or some other random trivia, I can’t turn to imdb any more. Well, unless I track down an internet café, pay to log on…meh too much effort. By the time I find out the information I want to know it will be too late and the moment will have passed.

Facebook has always been a love/hate internet tool. It’s fine for staying in touch with people or reconnecting with people from the past but that’s about it really. People are increasingly displaying every aspect of their lives on there. Sometimes it’s funny, but for the most part I just want to shake these people and try and make them see how ridiculous they’re being. But because pretty much everyone is doing it, I feel like the outcast.

I read a really interesting article about FOMO - the Fear of Missing Out via a blog post. An interesting concept that many will scoff at and think that it does not apply to them. It’s intriguing to think that peoples’ public displays of "look at me" could actually derive from a need to compete with what other people are doing. A modern day keeping up with the Jones’ perhaps? People don’t want to think that they’re missing out on something so put forward their own stamp on Facebook so they too stand out. I didn’t realise it went that deep. I thought it was mere attention-seeking. Don’t worry, my trip is not some elaborate ruse to get back at those on Facebook!

I’m not scoffing though. I am certainly guilty of the FOMO. At the moment I never switch my mobile off. I used to when I was younger but there was one night when a friend texted me for advice and I didn’t get it until the morning and felt terrible. That might be more to do with my (annoying) need to please people than “the fear” of missing out on something. I have Facebook on my phone and find myself checking my newsfeed to see what’s happening in the world. I don’t know why I bother because most of the time I get an insight into what people have had for lunch for instance, or am bombarded by updates about being angry/happy for vague reasons that are meant to strike a comment frenzy…yawn.

I’m not that bad though. Thankfully I can sit through a film at the cinema without the need to text, tweet or Facebook. Unfortunately there are some who can’t contain themselves. I don’t get it, I must be missing something…wait a minute…nooooo.

It's Not What You Know, It's Who You Know...Well Sort Of...

This year all I’ve done is drift along from one job to the other. Any space left in between has been filled with sleep, eating and the occasional cinema trip. This has meant that, for me, 2011 has congealed in to one loooong-ass working day. This week has been a wake up call for me. With less than seven weeks to go, I’ve realised I better get my act together! I’ve not really done a lot other than save money and day dream wistfully. Yeah I’ve read a couple of books and watched a step 1, 2, 3 guide on how to “stay safe” whilst backpacking but other than that I’ve been a bit complacent. I’ve booked it so all I need to do is pack it and get the hell outta here…

How wrong was I! After spending half an hour on the phone to the tax man, it’s become quite clear that I have to do a lot more before I go. So, with rocket firmly wedged up one’s arse, I’ve ran ragged trying to put things in motion. I now have a debit and credit card especially for spending abroad. I’ve sorted out my subscriptions (e.g. Specsavers, Vodafone…) so nobody but me will be spending my money whilst I’m away. I’ve booked my last jab too which is nice. It will be the last time I’m asked if I’m pregnant. I’m tempted to go “Yes, I am. I’ve already sold my future baby on eBay to fund the start of my trip. Not sure what I’ll do afterwards but at least I know I won’t get Hepatitis A or B. Bonus.” Although I might end up getting arrested. Sometimes I can pull sarcasm off and other times, no matter how blindingly obvious the ridiculousness of my statements are, some people actually think that I’m being serious. It’s quite worrying and offensive really!

I’m still worried about the tax man. I had a sudden rush of excitement as I realised that I won’t have reached the cut-off amount that you have to earn to get taxed. I already had the amount totted up in my head and thought that would be a nice juicy bonus for America. I went online to the maze of a website that is HRMC and thought I had this thing down. There’s a P85 form to declare what I’ve worked this year and where I plan to work abroad. From this, I’d get a tax refund, if applicable. Simples right? No. Some computer told me that I need to write to them and request a certificate of UK residency. I need to hand this over to the Aussie tax man to ensure I don’t get taxed by the UK and Oz whilst I’m away. I then have to wait until I get back to fill out a self assessment form and THEN I’ll get a tax refund. Thing is, what I earn in Oz will go towards my UK earnings which will mean that I’ll probably end up going over the tax free allowance…so what’s the point? I have no idea. Surely if I don’t tell the tax man I’m going to Oz, open an Oz bank account, shove my earnings in that, claim back the Oz tax, then apply for a UK tax refund in April 2012 then that would be more beneficial right?*

As well as that headache, I also thought I’d have a little listen to my Japanese language CD. It’s quite good. A softly spoken gentleman states the phrase in English. A perky lady translates very slowly into Japanese, pauses, then says it again normally. I’m supposed to repeat what was said during that pause.

Hello - konnichiwa - yep, already knew that, neeext.
Goodbye - sayoonara - ok, I’m pretty sure I’ve heard that in some martial arts/action flick. Sorted. Neeext.
Yes - hai - pronounced “hi”. Lovely. I can remember that.
No - iie - pronounced “e-ay”. See, keeping it simple. I like it.
Excuse me (to get attention) or I’m sorry - sumimasen - I’m liking these one word means two phrases. I think I might be alright at this…
Excuse me (to get past) - shitsuree shimasu - ok, a little tricky. I need to work on that one.
I’d like… - ga hoshiin desu ga - errr, wait, say it ag…

I think you can predict how the rest of that goes. You know that classic comedy conveyer belt scenario? The one where it starts off at a nice speed, you have enough time to pack everything up or stamp what you need. Then it starts getting a little quicker. You start to get flustered and sweat a bit but you can handle it. Then it really picks up and you can’t handle it. The boss walks in and you’re on the floor covered in cakes (it’s my imaginary situation so, naturally, I’m in a cake factory). Well that’s what it was like. I’m overwhelmed to say the least. Not that I ever thought it would be easy! I wonder if playing the CD in your sleep actually works. It might be worth a shot. My brain’s not been functioning at the best of times so I thought I’d sideline the task of learning a new language until now. What was I thinking?!

I served a couple who couldn’t speak a word of English so have caught a glimpse of what I’ll look like. Smiling helps. Pointing too. Oh dear…

I am still trying to remain optimistic though. Somehow things do tend to work out for the best. It just means I have to sift through the crap to find the silver lining. It’s there somewhere dammit!

Despite the confusion above, there have been some positives. I’ve unexpectedly spoken to or have been put in touch with people that have helped me with my trip. Oz is a bit of a mystery still but there’s a guy I work with who has spent time over there which is handy. I also had a couple of things that needed doing to my car which would be a pain to organise and expensive. I just happened to start talking to someone at work who is also a mechanic who just happens to specialise in the area of work that I need help with. He did the job for free. Nice one! I then got chatting to someone who knows someone who has spent the past five years living and working in Japan. It may come across as weird but I don’t care, it’d be great to have an insider’s current perspective of Japan. Facebook add? Why not? I also work with someone whose son has been to Japan so I’ve messaged him too. I can read all the books in the world but it would never top speaking to people who have actually been there.

I guess it’s all good practice for when I’m away…48 days baby!

* I don’t know who I’m expecting to answer that question. I’d be surprised if you understood anything I just said.

Money Makes The World Go Round

A moment that made me laugh this week:

Moss: Too much information!
Jen: What? That she had a baby. Moss it’s a natural part of life.
Moss: It’s not a natural part or my life and I aim to keep it that way.
IT Crowd

It’s been a funny ol’ month. I seem to be swearing a lot more than usual and am starting to crave alcohol at unusual times. I’m not claiming to have formerly been a saint as there are moments in everyone’s life when a good old swearing session is called for. I prefer to do it when I think nobody’s listening then regain composure and get on with things. Seen as 90% of my time awake now is spent at work, this process has become somewhat difficult to maintain. I’ve turned from Moss in the IT Crowd (see his example of  swearing please!) to Cartman from South Park. There was one day at work where I thought “Screw you guys, I’m going home.” But then I’d have no job and money is the only thing that’s keeping me going. Oh and the thought of my trip, naturally.

I’m like a social experiment these days. I can see it now…Subject A is experiencing high levels of stress, is sleep deprived and dehydrated. Let’s throw in an angry Turk and see what happens. That’s what the conclusion of yesterday was. I wish people wouldn’t start arguments with me that they can’t finish. Even though he walked away I still say I won.

Another one for you. Someone stole my tie at work. Why? An apron I can understand as I only have one and if there was one on offer somewhere I think I’d nab it too. I’m sick of washing that damn thing. But a tie…really? It’s maroon and yellow. It’s a step down from a school tie. I’ve now learnt that if you leave anything (and I mean anything) unattended, it will most likely be taken. Sheesh, I know the job’s minimum wage but…a tie, really? Ok, maybe it’s just me that thinks it’s weird. I’ll move on.

It’s been made official now. My full time job has been advertised and they are now interviewing. It will be a tough challenge for them to find someone as awesome as me, ahem. It’s weird coming face-to-face with my possible replacement. Interviews take place at Head Office all the time and I usually end up having a nice chat with some of them. It makes a change as I’m normally talking to my computer or myself. It’s not come to the point where I’ve named it but I’m definitely closer to Castaway madness than anything else. Luckily at the moment I’m just shouting at emails on the computer, so technically it’s not the computer itself I’m talking to. Anyway, this was different. I found myself taking a step back and being a lot more judgemental. I know I shouldn’t care but part of me wonders what will happen once I’m gone.

This month I’ve also decided to take a break from the books. I was poring over every LP/Rough Guide books I could get my hands on. The plus side of that is that it’s given me plenty of ideas for my trip. The major downfall is that there is no Karl Pilkington guide to RTW trips. Of course every guide book is going to talk up each and every city. One book had a whole chapter on Auckland. I didn’t think there was that much to do in Auckland. I guess I’m just going to have to find out for myself which is part of the adventure and unpredictability of it all. Either that or find a group of people who look like they know what they’re doing and follow them or join them if they are tolerable.

It’s come to that point now where I have to do all the serious financial preparations for my trip. Normally I put off these kinds of things off as I hate talking to my bank. But instead of it being a simple standing order, I need to make arrangements so I can access my money abroad without silly charges. I also need to let my bank know I’m going or things could get messy. So no, I can’t put it off. My bank, which I’ve been with since I was 14, has just refused to give me a credit card to use abroad. Arse. So I’m not off to the greatest of starts.

I’m also trying everything in my power to raise funds. If anyone’s got any ideas please share them. I’m eBaying everything I can find that’s worth selling. You know those news stories where someone sold a used tea bag for a tenner and a piece of string for £2.50...load of bollocks. People are tight. Gone were the days where you could innocently add an extra pound on p&p to make some money back. You get condemned now. They’re up there with the car boot scavengers. I’m trying to sell my car on eBay. I’m doomed!

Fingers crossed I get a boost in funds or my blog will have an early death…

Say What Now?

So all of you know by now that there are some people in this world who can’t seem to grasp the difference between Daniel (male) and Danielle (female). I’m used to being called Daniela at times but Daniel...Daniel!?! 

See above for the most recent incident. There’s no mistaking it for anything other than Daniel. What hurts me most is that this was written by a work colleague...a friend! Someone I’ve worked with for nearly 2 years. Let’s just say it’s a good job she feeds me chocolate. Oh, and before you ask, there is nobody named Daniel who works in our office. This is definitely meant for me *sigh*

But fear not, I feel there is light at the end of the tunnel. I received the following email last week:

Hi Danielle

Do you remember when I rang you about 4:15pm yesterday. Well Jill was stood behind me when I spoke to you and she said I called you Daniel instead of Danielle, so I don't know if you actually noticed but if I did it was only a slip of the tongue and I apologise, I was in a bit of a panic. I had a problem...and needed it sorting before I left at 4:30pm so was probably a bit anxious, but I thought about it last night and felt I had to email and say sorry.

Best wishes and sorry for my slip

Flipping heck, I think word is spreading fast! It would be nice to think that one day I can live in a world where everyone knows how to correctly say/spell my name, hmm...

Does That Make Me Crazy...Probably

Dear brain,

Firstly, I’d like to thank you for getting me this far. You have certainly surpassed many people’s expectations and that’s always satisfying to watch.

There have been times where rational thought had been on holiday and social embarrassment took the reigns. There isn’t a blog entry big enough to fill in the silly mistakes and embarrassing moments made but hey, everything that has happened has led up to this moment. I am going to travel around the world so there are certainly no regrets…that I can think of anyway!

I feel like this trip is a fresh start for me. There isn’t a clear path or any sort of direction to my life right now which is something that would normally petrify me, yet I feel exhilarated.

But, I digress, the reason why I write to you today is, in the nicest way possible…well…you need to sort yourself out mate. I don’t know where you’ve been for the past couple of weeks but I feel like I’m on my own right now. I honestly didn’t know what day it was yesterday. I’m finding myself forgetting things. I'll ask somebody something and then that memory will be gone in a split second. I won't remember asking the question or what the answer was. I’m like an old woman! I still know how to dress myself and put one foot in front of the other so there’s nothing significantly wrong. But there are times where I completely glaze over (Homer Simpson style) and all thoughts trickle out of my head like a slot machine hitting jackpot.

It always happens at crucial moments too so your timing is terrible! Why couldn’t you go kaput when I’m listening to drainers or when the adverts come on the telly. Instead, it’s whilst I’m at work. I feel like I’m losing the plot. Ok, I have figured out that I work more hours than I sleep so I’m not doing you any favours (working 24 out of 48 hours is fun, you should try it!), but still…

Don’t fail me now! We only have 8 weekends to go and then you get a rest. I’ll make sure we have some quality duvet time and the only decisions you need to process will be what to eat and when to pee!

I was hoping the thought of relaxing on a beach in Fiji, meditating in Japan or eating a pretzel the size of one’s head would be enough to get you through this but I was wrong*. Now let’s give a final push…now I sound like I’m giving birth. Calm down, you already know that I would never put you through that kind of trauma. We’re coming to the final stretch now and we’ve tripped over a few times but let’s make it a sprint finish (like this peppy guy!).

So to conclude, we need to be more responsive and less retarded, thanks.

Big love,
Dx

*I’m rarely wrong and if I am, I’ll fight to the bitter end before I admit it! You’ve been warned!

Too Cool For Finishing School

I feel like I’m in limbo at the moment. I have most of the major things sorted and paid for but I have no idea what that means. I’ve paid for my flights but I have no idea what I need to do when I get there. I’ve booked a tour and a place on a volunteers project but I have no information on a meeting point and what I need to take. Both are oversights on my part as I just paid for it all whilst I had the money and presumed the information would follow. Ha! One should never presume of course.

I feel like I’m learning a lot of lessons in life at the moment. I’m trying to get to grips with the concept of etiquette attached to each country I’m visiting. It’s mind boggling. Asia is the trickiest. It’s pretty exhausting all the things I need to consider. There’s a whole chapter on what not to do with chopsticks. Sheesh! I thought it was a simple 1, 2, 3.

1. Pick up chopsticks and hold in a pincer like fashion.
2. Pick up food with said chopsticks.
3. Stick in gob and enjoy. 

Obviously I wouldn’t have scored top marks in finishing school with that one. There are many many things to consider. I can’t spear food which is an arse. That was my ‘get out of jail free card’ if I continually failed at point 2. I can’t stick them upwards in a mountain of rice or point them at people whilst talking. I wasn’t planning on doing either but who knows what my brain would have me say or do when overcome with nerves/stress/drunkenness. There’s a rule for where to grasp the chopsticks, where to place them when finished and don’t get me started on the rules for eating as a guest in someone’s home. I can’t seem to find anything about sticking them in your mouth and assuming a walrus pose though. Hmmm.

My brain is overrun with random facts from around the world. Did you know that there is no law against indecent exposure in San Francisco? I guess laundry day isn’t an issue over there. Obviously with something that relates to law, it’s black and white but I’m not sure how serious to take the other notes and comments I have read. Apparently blowing your nose in public in Japan is frowned upon. I’m not sure how strict a rule that is. So if I can’t blow my nose can I plug my nose with tissue instead? Hey, if Myleene Klass can do it…

Thailand is another grey area. So far I‘ve read that you can‘t touch someone‘s head, you can‘t point your feet at someone when sitting down, you can’t touch a monk…damn, now I have MC Hammer stuck in my head - Can‘t Touch This (over 14 millions hits on YouTube so it‘s not just me!).

The eerie thing is, Thais are also renowned for smiling. They smile when they’re happy, sad, angry, embarrassed and with any other emotion you can think of. I guess this will alleviate any stressful moments I might have but it might be confusing trying to distinguish between those that genuinely like me and those that would rather I bugger off!

This is all rather strange but weirdly fascinating at the same time. I guess if I do find myself in an awkward situation that I can’t laugh off, I could always point to something and shout as a distraction and leg it. Although with my current fitness levels I doubt I’d get very far!

About A Boy

I previously made a list of some of the things I think I’ll miss the most whilst I’m away. I’ve now come to find that I have a far heftier list of things I won’t miss. Admittedly it’s mostly work related. Every time something frustrates me I brush it off. I look at my calendar and see how many days are left until I go and I smile. I find that I’m laughing at a lot of things lately that would normally upset me or wind me up. Maybe it’s because I know that in a couple of months I’ll be starting my adventure and they, the moaners, will still be stuck in the UK droning on about insignificant issues that are out of my hands. There’s actually a term for this which is borrowed by the Germans, Schadenfreude, which simply means the pleasure derived from the misfortune of others. Funnily enough there is no English translation. I don’t think I’m that cruel but there is a slight twinkle in my eye.

The other aspect of my life which heavily rests in the “I won’t miss” pile is the York dating scene, gasp! It is one of those taboo subjects that many singles would rather skip over. It’s like that dreaded question Bridget Jones tried to avoid at her mother’s dinner party - “How’s your love life?” - to which Bridget simply replied “Super” AKA “Fuck off, it’s none of your business”. Ok, ok I’m not as hostile as that but maybe that’s because I’m not surrounded by “smug-married-couples”. I thankfully don’t feel pressured to settle down, have babies or simply be in a relationship. I’m happy where I am thanks. I love the freedom, I love the simplicity of things and I love the brain space that’s been freed up by not thinking about a boy. This is me taking full advantage of those three things. I’m in no rush. If it happens, it happens.

It’s a good job too as the guys that I have encountered over the past year…well let’s just say that nobody’s managed to change the above mindset. It will be interesting to see how guys of different nationalities act and I’m sure you’ll find out in a future blog post!

For future comparison, here are a few lines that have been tried on me:

Drunk: “Tits.”
Short but definitely not sweet. Not quite sure how I was supposed to react to this grinning idiot. Maybe in his mind he thought I’d look down, realise that his observation was correct, I do indeed have tits, and fall into his arms.

Drunk No2: *head-butts the back of my head* inaudible slur and accusatory gestures.
Me: What? You hit me. I was stood still and you nutted the back of my head.
Drunk No2: Grins and goes to hug me.
Me: I turn around and try to order a drink.
Drunk No2: Starts dry humping my leg.
Wow, not only do they not form full sentences but now they use violence to entice women. Strange…very strange. Hilarious in hindsight.

Agreed alcohol can cloud the mind and then some in the above cases, but the sober ones don’t fair any better. I’ve had someone who’s in a relationship ask me out. I’ve had someone ask me out as I was waiting his table…in front of his mates. I’ve had someone offer me a preview of his nudist self-portrait collection…and so on and so forth. They’re just the funny ones.

I doubt my love life will be a topic of conversation whilst I’m away so I think that question will be easily avoided. However, small talk is not my strong point as it infuriates me. It’s so inane and fake. I feel myself thinking - Do you really want to talk to me or are you just passing the time/avoiding work/bored? You can easily tell whether someone genuinely wants to strike up a conversation with you. I call it the “So...the weather” moments where people struggle to find something to fill that awkward silence, so go for the safety net of all conversations, the weather. I can feel myself snarling at some as I find that small talk brings out the idiot in most.

For instance, a standard question is “Did you grow up in York? Where were you born?”. I explain that I was born in a British Military Hospital in Germany as my dad was in the army. I was brought to York when I was 18 months and have spent the rest of my life in York (bar the 3 years at university - another small talk minefield!). I would say 99% of people ask the same follow-up question - “So, do you speak German?” Whaaaa!? At 18 months were you fluent in English? Jeez. I have to be careful though as sarcasm isn’t understood in some cultures, or is that irony?
_ _ _ _ _ __ _ _ _ _ __ _ _ _ _ __ _ _ _ _ __ _ _ _ _ __ _ _ _ _ __ _ _ _ _ __

I saw Stephen K Amos last night and he signed my gig ticket.

SKA: Who should I make it out to?
Me: Danielle.
SKA: Have I spelled that correctly?
Me: Yes, thanks. Don’t worry, for some reason a lot of people write my name as Daniel.
SKA: Looks up at me with a look of confusion. That’s because they’re stupid.

That has made my week. Stephen K Amos is a legend!